Friday, July 26, 2013

being good while being bad

I hate this car-hunting thing.  I see something that I really like, and I get excited, and then I call or email or whatever and find out it's been sold, or there's something wrong about it, or it's really a car-flipper selling it, or it starts to sound even better and then it gets sold (like that guy yesterday... grrr).  I'm trying hard not to let the mild panic of seeing so little that fits my demands as Vera's transmission grinds its way into oblivion scare me into acting too rashly and getting something that I won't be happy with in the long run.  I hate the headache, though.  I hate the constant anxiety

But enough about cars.  I was good so far this week and have gone to the gym twice, and I'm feeling pretty confident that I'll get may ass in there again tomorrow.  I have to admit, I rather like having an "excuse" to go to the gym.  I no longer feel like I'm being self-indulgent to take time away from the lab to lift.

Is it an odd thing that I feel like I'm somehow being selfish my looking after my body?  Am I worried about vanity (because doing something which is that odd combination of challenging and enjoyable can't be good for me, right)?  Do other people feel like this?  Is it normal, or new, that taking care of one's health in an active way is something that society views as simultaneously esteemed and vainglorious?  Or does society even think that, or is it something in my own head?

Monday, July 22, 2013

It's Been Challenging

I seem to recall a few months ago I was really gung-ho about getting back to the gym and working hard, and climbing lots, etc, etc, etc.

Then work gets in the way, and gets in the way again, and gets in the way some more.  And health gets in the way.  And my car being about to die any kilometre now gets in the way.

I think I gave up on this being a great time to get back in shape a few months ago.  Sad, given that I've been trying to "get back in shape" for more than a year.  Lately, I'm just impressed if I manage to get to the gym at all, let alone multiple times a week.  And climbing... I think I've gone to the gym only twice or thrice in the last couple of months (see aforementioned car).  ... and the gym!  Not outside like it should be at the time of year.  The freaking gym.

I would really really really like to get my shit together.  Honestly, I feel like a total child half the time and wonder how it is I've not yet managed to lose my own ass or something.

In better news (is this better?  I'm not sure), I've now been doing basal insulin for about 3 months and bolusing for about half that time.  I've even comparison-shopped for insulin pumps, including meeting with reps, and have essentially chosen what flavour of cyborg I'll be.  I remain a child, however, in that it's my diabetes nurse who in both meetings had the wherewithall to ask about user support in Canada should I move back there.  Or maybe I'm just assuming my boss isn't lying when he tells me that he wants to keep me around for another three years at least.

The insulin is nice in the sense that I'm no longer looking at steadily increasing fasting blood glucose and having minor panic wondering what damage I'm accumulating.  I'm still not quite used to the concept that I can eat more carbs with relative impunity (assuming appropriate bolusing).  I'm also still not entirely used to bolusing, and I think a lot of the time I'm just doing the WAG (wild-ass guess) dosing, even when I'm looking up carbs per food item and attempting to figure out how much I'm eating without resorting to weighing everything.  I am feeling a lot more crampy lately, and that shows up when I climb (or try to go up stairs quickly, or just flex), and I can't help wondering if this is anything to do with anything.  I'm on a lower dose of my thyroid meds now too, and that makes me want to dance a little happy dance (probably because now I'm not too lethargic to do so).

The worst issue is the car.  Vera is about ready to die.  In all honesty for a few months she was doing that thing that the unpleasant lover does where they want to break up with you, but being the breaker rather than the breakee would put them in unsympathetic light so instead they gradually treat you worse and worse in an attempt to force you to call it quits.  Now she's just about started sleeping with other people, so I really ought to line up my rebound car and cut Vera loose.  Maybe this is taking the relationship analogy too far.  I am looking for a new-to-me car, and between me and the car-mechanics-savvy friend who's helping me look there is a shit-tonne of pickiness happening.  This will ensure a brighter driving future, but in the meantime it means a vehicle I shouldn't take out of the immediate area lest that horrible noise her transmission is making evolves into the whole not-going thing.  That means no climbing unless someone else from this area wants to go at on a day and time that I can make it (see above about work in the way).  That means I am sad.

It also means I think I should come up with some power-lifting goals or something else to focus on (the weight gym being on campus), but then I realise I have no idea how one trains for that sort of thing, and it's not like I'm making it to the gym regularly anyway, and then I just want ice cream.