One of the good things about getting the diabetes diagnosis is that I've got access to a dietician, and my insurance pays for it. Both the dietician and the diabetes nurse (who I met before during the whole dexcom thing) are seriously interesting and awesome women, and I keep running my appointments overtime just out of enjoying talking with them. But getting back to the dietician... The other day I had my appointment with her to determine my resting metabolic rate and draft a meal plan.
A bit of recap. I'm not happy with the amount of fat I've got on me. It may not be a lot in terms of numbers or compared to other people, and it might well be more the result of socialisation by my constantly-dieting mother than the result of knowing what's healthy, but it's still more fat than I want. I've got crappy self-control in terms of food (not a sweets fan, but I love to eat and drink), and the thought of counting my calories or macros makes me want to throw a tempter tantrum like a 3-year-old denied ice cream. Since I've been on medication for my Graves' disease I have put on about 4 or 5 kg, and I've been feeling like a complete lard ass.
I know, in a logical way, that carbs are not inherently evil. I also know that diabetics should be eating carbs, albeit those with a lower glycemic index and load (carbs are not evil, but bagels are the antichrist with a hole in the middle). I know these things in a logical way, but my mind is not free from the influence of people who talk about how much weight their cutting by avoiding carbs, or how I have to watch out that I don't eat too much bread, or how grains are poison.
As the dietician was going through a meal plan and comparing it with the food log I gave her a few months ago, she was looking for ways to add more carbs: "What about fruit? How about you have an apple or something here... Let's put some beans into that salad, beans are great..."
"I could do that", I say. Meanwhile I'm thinking about how I was told not to eat fruit more than once a day at most because of all that terrible sugar by one diet advisor, and how all the paleo proponents I know are convinced that legumes contain "anti-nutrients". I find myself immediately deciding that I'll just skip the fruit. Also in the conversation I'm relieved to find out that Greek yogurt and milk are counted as carbs, so my latte will do as a carb serving, and I can have yogurt before bread rather than more fruit.
I feel ridiculous as I watch myself react and think this way, how I'm already balking at the meal plan for being too carb-heavy. I'm also wondering where the hell I've been going wrong since this plan (minus all the wanton carbs) so closely resembles how I've been eating yet I'm still gaining weight. Additionally, I'm noticing that I still feel panicked and trapped by this meal plan even though there's no massive difference between it and my recent diet.
I'm having a really hard time resolving all this or knowing what it is I should be doing or eating. I'm also now hating myself for eating anything as I watch the numbers on the scale at my endocrinologist's office creep upward.
The worst part is my metabolic rate. Apparently 1500 calories is my basal need. How can I justify eating 1900 (which I argued down from 2100)? Surely I'm not lifting or climbing that hard.