new year?

I've not been a fan of New Year's crap for awhile.  Part of it is that it's an arbitrary system: there's nothing special about January 1 (on the Gregorian calendar), such that life will magically change up on its passing.  The other part is as I mentioned before: resolutions are about as arbitrary as the day and typically occur under duress.

I wish that this year flipping over could usher a change for me.  While there are things from the twelve months past that I am glad of, there's also been a ridiculous amount of frustration and setbacks.  I would like to pretend that there's a clean slate for me to write upon, as opposed to something scratched and pock-marked from prior abuse.  The idealistic notion of "living in the moment" is a great thought, but can only ever remain a notion.  Realistically, my past has an impact upon my present, and likewise my concerns for the future may dictate my actions now.

While I might try to slough off the mistakes I've made and the opportunities I've lost, I'm still carrying the luggage from them;  sometimes in literal weight (like my jiggling belly), but even more burdensome is the loss of trust and faith in myself to do better than I have before.

I can't promise that the bullshit of life won't stop me from getting to the gym or eating well or sleeping enough.  Quite the contrary, I know that it will.  I can only hope that the bullshit and setbacks and failures are temporary, and that somewhere I'll find the will to keep on trying and pushing and doing better.

Failing that, there's the next New Year's celebration in about 40 days.